The key to world peace is happy women. They influence an estimated 70–80% of all consumer spending decisions. I mean, look no further than the SMUT economy. People are reading again. And watching TV. Dragons, hockey, brother love triangles. We love to invest in competent, hot men.
You would think this would mean more jobs for me as a writer. Unfortunately, with corporate consolidation plowing through our beloved Tinseltown, we’ll soon have one giant entity called Studio, Network & Beyond. That’s it. That’s all I have to give.
Oh, and gas is $7! You might end up marrying a robot. Or getting killed by one. Owning a home? Fat chance. But apparently you can still own a woman.
What’s with the bizarre fixation on women’s bodies? Like, I’m sorry your wife hates you but that’s not my problem. It’s giving greasy old man at the club offering you bottle service for the small exchange of your soul. Babe... in what world? No wonder we’re all knee-deep in fairy smut.
And I’m not asking for much. I just want someone normal. With rizz.
Even if it’s someone I disagree with. That’s called healthy tension. Just don’t hold me hostage at your table, then terrorize my DMs for eight weeks about how I am a disobedient wench. No one wants to take the side of the crusty club guy.
And politics have gotten decidedly uglier in the last 10 years. I’m not kidding. Literally just frumpy bags of bones. Sometimes it felt like we were about to witness someone croak on the podium. Proof that no one really retires in America.
Then there was the manosphere phase. That was interesting... Shook things up. Clavicular. Lots of bald men with bulky arms. And it got to the point where we had to ask ourselves how much airtime we were really willing to give the Paul brothers.
More people started owning mics. (Should’ve invested in that one.) Everyone got bolder. Gen Z became less stiff, more ironic. Millennials settled somewhere between denial and nostalgia. Boomers boomed.
Now being the most controversial person in the room just simply isn’t enough. You need more than hot takes to cut through the noise. You need to be multidimensionally stimulating. You need charisma. No one wants to be stuck defending that same sweaty club guy who’s now on coke and begging to hit your vape. It’s like, read the room...
And while desperately trying to avoid the vape chaser, you happen to spot...
Someone... hot? Commanding attention? Saying... coherent things?
I mean, Jon Ossoff is pure Tumblr fan fic. Seeing that perfectly chiseled jaw talking about saving his daughter from the end of the world, all I can think is, God bless America. Newsom popping off on his haters like the American Psycho he is. Mamdani aura-maxxing on a city bike all over New York City.
Suddenly, I’m... dare I say... intrigued. Picking players like it’s a fantasy novel. Some have great banter. Others have golden retriever energy. A few remind you of your favorite toxic ex. Now, I’m not saying charm is enough. But get me to listen. Then give me something worth listening to.
And ladies, I’m not asking you to dress for the male gaze. That said, the fashion in Congress is a national crisis. I want to be inspired! Don’t abandon your personal style just to be taken seriously. You can be a Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, whatever your heart desires. Let loose! I want you to pass a bill and the link to your iconic jacket.
Captivate us. And clock the fuck in.
I’m not here to lecture you on what you should believe. Politics are personal and we need space to debate without attacking each other. So keep it sexy and make it interesting. We’re tired of musty illiterates telling us what to do.
With 2028 on the horizon, I’ve created a guide for candidates who want to…
Make America Hot Again:
Can you read? I know. The bar’s on the floor.
Have you accepted any inappropriate gifts from foreign governments?
Do you look like my sleep paralysis demon?
Does your spouse want to sleep with you? Or minimally hold your hand?
FMK: Musk, Zuckerberg, Altman
Have you participated in any of Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes?
Were you bullied in middle school? If so, have you gone to therapy?
Are you placing war bets on Kalshi?
Would anyone you know personally describe you as evil?
Are you a Gemini?
I sweeeaaar, once we get some of these basics down, we’ll get closer to one nation under God, indivisible. With liberty and justice for all. Minimally, the horny ladies will save us from a recession.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE]:
I’ll give the Trump administration props for one feminist cause: opening our minds to the potential of a successful female rapper becoming our White House Press Secretary. In which case, Cardi B... we’re happy to have you.
my name is ari and i endorse this platform #maha
Can you read 🤣🤣🤣🤣