“Guys. Is everyone having fun or should I threaten to call the whole thing off and shake things up???” …I imagine saying this to my bridesmaids just before walking down the aisle. They groan. Now’s not the time for my nonsense. They’ve devoted years of free therapy and impressive detective work to get me here. The FBI has nothing on a woman’s intuition. So if I’m desperate to shake things up, they’ll happily drag me down the aisle and into the arms of my patient, loving king. I’m his problem now. How exciting!
My Persian mother, who in her own words loves to “dress like a cake,” flutters around in a dress you could spot from outer space, second-guessing my updo, which is very helpful since there is literally nothing I can do about it now. My dad’s eyes well up with tears at the sight of me in my dress and the final itemized bill. Did we really need ALL of these flowers? My mother assures him that we do. Just like we need the ice sculpture and the saxophonist.
My brothers poke fun at me and I kindly remind them of the “do not discuss or I will end you” list for their speech. Nothing crazy, just 50 topics they can’t cover and a gentle reminder to turn every flaw into casual flattery. Like saying my biggest weakness is caring too much.
I catch myself in the mirror. Wait. Do my arms look fat? I suck in my armpits and gather myself.
The orchestra strikes up as the wedding party sashays out before a sea of guests. I take in the size of said sea. I was hoping for a modest Mediterranean but am met with the mighty Pacific. Someone is definitely wearing white, but I’m only mildly annoyed because I know it’ll be a scandalous topic for brunch tomorrow. After all, a wedding guest only has two jobs: endless glazing and juicy gossip.
I would know. My name is Nikki Kashani and I am a Professional Wedding Guest.
Over the last decade, my family and I have collectively attended over 150 weddings: everything from 30-person backyard celebrations to shotgun weddings in Vegas to several-hundred-person destination affairs in France, Spain, Turkey, England, Dubai, Italy, and Mexico. Remote locations like Sun Valley, Park City, and Beverly Hills. One 1,000-person event. A range of ethnicities, religions, and astrological backgrounds.
I’ve sung, I’ve officiated, I’ve done choreographed routines. I’ve been a hero: I got a massive red wine stain out of a wedding gown with only dish soap and a dream. I’ve also experienced various medical emergencies like nearly going into sepsis on a plane back from Cancun with the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules. Or taking such a nasty fall down an escalator in Nice, I had to be wheeled through three international airports on my way back to America.
I have a separate closet full of gowns ranging from black tie to cocktail to cultural attire. At this point, I curate wedding guest dresses the way others knit. One of them somehow made it into French Vogue >.< You can follow along here for weekly dress picks: Nikki’s Bridal Edit.
While the Wedding Industrial Complex will sell you on the scale of a wedding to determine its glory, I believe the vibe always supersedes the spectacle. Don’t get me wrong, glamorous backdrops are wonderful set dressing, but true success lies in the social contract between hosts and guests. It can stiffen a glamorous event or liven a modest one. That interplay is make-or-break. So I’ve boiled it down to 10 basic rules of engagement for your reference.
Notes From a Professional Wedding Guest:
Logistics
If your wedding requires a plane ticket, you must provide three events (welcome party, wedding, brunch) + transportation for the wedding day and a hotel block.
If you are Persian, please lie to your guests and give them a hefty cushion for arrival time.
It is incredibly rude to cancel at the last minute. Unless you’re the bride, that’s brutal. But also kind of rude.
Unless explicitly allowed, no babies.
Don’t complain about your seat assignment. If you hate being at a boring table, maybe look within as to why you might be a boring friend.
Registry or Venmo for gifts. Although cash or check is pretty sexy. Jury’s out on gifts for travel-heavy weddings. But what’s a Le Creuset to a hotel upgrade?
Dress Code
Like my aunt once said, “You should always match the effort of the host. It’s just basic decency.” You cannot ask people to show up in black tie to a cocktail event. And vice versa. But being overdressed is always better than being underdressed. For life in general.
Yes, you can wear red to a wedding, although it is traditionally reserved for the bride in many South Asian cultures.
No, you cannot wear white unless it’s significantly patterned. (Yes, I know I’m wearing white in the article cover photo. I’m not a psycho. See section 8.)
If you wear passable-cream, you’re rage baiting.
Don’t text the bride about anything dress code related before the wedding. She’s already fighting for her life. However, brides that want a curated look should send out a vision board with the wedding website. But be responsible with the options.
Men should find a funky way to stand out from the sea of suits. Fun bow ties, chic brooches, cool shoes. Obviously consult with your partner if applicable.
Phones
Silence your phones.
Do not post ugly photos of the bride and groom even if it’s your hottest photo of the night. Everyone knows what’s going on. Crop accordingly.
This is a genuine question for married couples: what are your thoughts on people recording you on their phones as you walk down the aisle? Sound off below.
Vibe
High. Otherwise you should’ve RSVP’d no.
If you’re single, be prepared to have your love life examined like a David Attenborough documentary then get a lecture on how helpless our generation is. It’s fine. Just #leanin and see if they have a cute nephew.
If you meet a crush, do yourself a favor and sneak away for a night stroll. A dance floor connection is basically an arranged marriage. The dowry’s being negotiated.
If you’re looking for brownie points, find the parents. They love the attention. But don’t trap the bride and groom in a long conversation, your presence is far more valuable on the dance floor. You have an open bar to hit.
If there’s no open bar, I’m simply not coming.
Music
Hot take: DJ > Band
Both are obviously preferred, but not every song needs the cover-band treatment. If I want to hear “It’s Britney, bitch,” I want to hear Britney, bitch.
me and my close personal friend Tiësto.
Speeches
Keep. Them. Short. Pick two reps from each side to get the job done: one family member, one friend. They can recruit others but they still need to keep it moving. Cocktails are hitting and this is when the night can go from turn up to tired.
Don’t try to land a controversial plane. If you’re not 200% certain that you’re funny, now’s not the time to test out a tight five. Save it for a bad first date.
Leave the gauche stories in your blackmail folder. Speeches are a cheat code for the bride and groom to attend their own funerals: everyone they love tells them how amazing they are while they’re still alive and glowing.
Let’s bring back cancel culture for the phrase “For those of you who don’t know me, what are you even doing here?” Boring!! (although I have said it).
Food
Never enough food. Food is nutritious. Food is delicious. When there is no food, I get suspicious. Weddings are a marathon, not a sprint, and regardless of whether you’re on a GLP-1, it’s impossible to entertain at the bar or fire up the dance floor without enough sustenance. Especially if guests are expected at 4:30pm.
Ideal Food Schedule:
Cocktail Hour - passed apps
Reception - more apps
Dinner
Cake / Coffee / Tea
Late Night Snacks - preferably of the greasy variety
Open Bar
The best entrée I’ve ever eaten was at Calamigos Ranch, a Malibu institution. It was a Szechuan-style salmon so delicious I wrote about it in the guest book. I still get emotional thinking about it.
Bridesmaids
Tbh not into matching dresses but dealer’s choice. My cousin went full Kardashian for hers and we all wore white (told you I’m not a psycho). I did look pretty good though, ngl.
Okay, actually not done with this topic. I can get behind a color theme, but isn’t it kind of cultish for everyone to wear the same dress?
Either way, whatever the bride chooses goes. If you don’t want to participate, opt out. Complaining is boring.
Get drunk. But please don’t throw up.
Groomsmen
Make sure the groom knows he locked down a baddie.
If you’re single, respectfully flirt with my single friends. Or my grandma.
Just because you’re having a reunion in tuxedos doesn’t mean you’re back in the halls of Sigma Chi. Keep it classy.
Family
Be chill. Please.
The last one may be the hardest. Every wedding is just a family’s high-octane high school theatre production. Backstage is madness, the show is dazzling, and the reviews come in hot the next morning. But a great show requires a great audience. So have fun, look good, and play by the house rules. It’s okay to be a little controversial, but never be a headline.
[A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR]:
It’s wild to think about how many weddings I’ve participated in and who will participate in mine. We’re going to have to make some tough calls. Sorry in advance.
I don’t know what it will feel like to be a bride. I also don’t know when that day will come. I’ve narrowly escaped the child bride wave of those who’ve committed under 30. I’m now in the second wave of stressful group project energy. And I don’t see that ending until I’m knee-deep in an Aperol Spritz on my honeymoon.
Hopefully, the party is a success and all of this fieldwork pays off. I won’t know until I get there because my mother will obviously plan the entire event.
See you at the open bar.
xo,
Nikki
thank god I agreed with all your takes you're allowed to come to my wedding
The first article I actually read all the way through on Substack 😂 You’re a real pro guest and
definitely make every wedding more fun and lively!